Tomorrow can be better.

You don’t need to suffer.

I can help you get your life back on track.

Feeling tired of having to take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness.

Struggling with boundaries.

If your life feels chaotic and unmanagable, you're in the right place.

When you’re finished solving other people’s problems and you want to put the focus back on you.

Heather Lohmiller, AMFT, APCC

I specialize in counseling emotionally exhausted individuals who feel unable to shift the focus back to themselves.

What to Expect during Therapy

Consultation Call

This initial call is a chance for us to connect and determine if we’re a good fit. During the free 15-minute consultation, we’ll discuss your reasons for coming to therapy, explore whether our therapeutic relationship feels right, and I’ll answer any questions you have.

Your comfort is essential for effective therapy. If I’m not the best match for your needs, I’ll gladly provide referrals to other therapists who may be a better fit for your needs.

First Session

After our initial phone consultation, you'll be provided with paperwork, including forms for personal details, treatment consent, and confidentiality guidelines.

You will have the option of meeting for 50 minutes at my office in Newport Beach or online.

During our first meeting, I’ll ask about various aspects of your life—such as your family and medical history, social connections, and the reasons you’re seeking therapy. Feel free to share anything else you believe is important. This will help me understand your needs, and together we’ll establish short- and long-term goals to guide our work in therapy.

Cancellation Policy

Cancellations need to be made outside of 24 hours before your session.

If you cancel within 24 hours or do not cancel and don’t show up, you will be charged for your session.

Some common reasons to seek the help of a therapist:

  • You feel an irresistible urge to take care of others and fix their problems, and it interferes with your life. You just can’t stop worrying about others and helping them, especially if addiction is involved. You are empathetic and affected by their addiction.

  • You to spend a lot of time trying to convince others that you know what’s best for them; but when your focus is on others, you lose sight of yourself. You become codependent.

  • While trying to force a solution to another’s problems, you to become irritated, discouraged and sad; even hopeless. You find yourself depleted by the weight of your compassion.

  • When your relationship is codependent you fear conflict, lack boundaries, have a compulsive need to gain others’ approval, and have difficulty recognizing and expressing emotion.

  • People tell you they don’t want your advice, that you interrupt, and don’t listen. You feel resentful, bitter, defensive, insecure, tired, powerless, and out of control. After all, you are only trying to help.

You have been swept away

Their problems have become your problems, and that’s a problem.

How Addiction and Codependency are related:

Addiction impacts every family member. Whether you grew up in a household directly affected by addiction or your parents did, its effects reached you.

You were affected by:

  • the addict’s irresponsible choices

  • the need to pretend everything was okay

  • the constant tension

  • the caretaking

  • the times when the addict got sober and then relapsed

  • the daily traumas of living with an addict or

  • the trauma of living with someone who grew up affected by addiction but is unaware of how it affected them.

You were the person who took care of things when the adults in your life were unable to, or you were the one who mediated family fights. You didn’t have the capacity to focus on your own mental wellness.

If you grew up in a chaotic, abusive, or neglectful environment, your surroundings seemed more important than your feelings and emotions. As a child, paying close attention to your environment is a way to survive. As an adult, this vigilance becomes a lack of boundaries, obsessive caretaking or “fixing,” codependency, anxiety, and depression.

You feel a persistent sense of discontent. You might find yourself in a relationship with an addict or taking responsibility for other people’s lives. You are in a helping profession, or you sacrifice for others in your personal life. You struggle with anxiety and depression.

You feel uncomfortable with silence or when things are calm. You feel as though you need to fill the space with something.

You have an obsessive need to be right. Even when you aren’t passionate about the topic you are passionate about winning the conversation with the most right opinion.

You’ve read all the self-help books and tried other therapy, but nothing seems to work.

Addiction does not discriminate. People from every income, race, religion, age, and gender are affected. Those impacted by addiction end up struggling in many areas of their lives.

 FAQs

  • Healthy empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of another person without losing sight of your own emotional boundaries. It is about being present and supportive.

  • Codependency is a pattern of behavior where you become overly reliant on someone else for your emotional well-being and sense of self-worth. Codependency often happens in close relationships, like with a partner, family member, or friend. You might find yourself constantly sacrificing your own needs and desires to meet the needs of the other person, even if it's not healthy for you. You might feel like you need to "fix" their problems or make them happy at the expense of your own happiness.

  • In a codependent relationship, boundaries become blurry, and you may struggle to assert yourself or prioritize your own needs. You might feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid conflict or keep the peace, even if it means suppressing your own feelings or desires. You find yourself putting up with underachievement, irresponsibility, procrastination, immaturity, addiction, or poor mental or physical health. You might even make excuses for them.

  • Motivation: Healthy empathy is motivated by a genuine desire to support and understand others, while maintaining personal well-being. Codependency is driven by a need for validation, control, or fear of abandonment.

    Boundaries: Empathetic individuals maintain clear emotional boundaries, whereas codependent individuals have difficulty distinguishing their own emotions and needs from those of others.

    Outcome: Healthy empathy leads to balanced and mutually satisfying relationships. Codependency often results in unbalanced, draining relationships where one person may feel overwhelmed and the other may feel suffocated or overly dependent.

  • The word enable refers to the well-intended removal of negative natural consequences that would ordinarily serve to decrease a behavior.

  • Let's say someone consistently covers for their friend who frequently misses work due to excessive drinking. Instead of letting their friend face the consequences of their actions, such as getting reprimanded or even fired, they call in sick on their behalf or make excuses for them to their employer. This enables their friend to continue their destructive behavior without facing the natural consequences of their actions.

  • The key symptoms of an addiction are compulsion, loss of control, ignoring negative consequences, tolerance and withdrawal, preoccupation, and interference with life responsibilities. Addiction can take many forms. A person can have a substance addiction like alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs, marijuana, nicotine, steroids, inhalants. There are also behavioral addictions like gambling, internet, gaming, sex, pornography, food, exercise, work, shopping, plastic surgery, etc.

  • Caregiving is helping someone out of love and concern while respecting their independence. Caretaking involves excessive help that can lead to dependency and neglect of one's own needs.

Families/Couples

I have completed Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and know how to apply the theory to couples dealing with addiction. Not all who are trapped by addiction are addicts. You, who love an addict, feel just as entangled. Your loved one uses alcohol, drugs, overworking, gaming, gambling, or eating to escape from life. You walk on eggshells, feel riddled with anxiety, guilt, and resentment, and juggle too many responsibilities. You have difficulty prioritizing yourself and setting boundaries. You spend a lot of time trying to help, but feel powerless to fix the problem. Their problems have become yours. You need help boundary setting.

Stay at Home Parents

Your job is raising your children. You can’t take enough pictures of their faces or videos of the funny things they do. You’ve sacrificed a paycheck, independence, friendships with coworkers, and an escape from diapers, homework, and meal making. You know you’re lucky but sometimes feel resentment, anxiety, burnout, frustration, anger, guilt, lonely, and not good enough. You find yourself wanting to control every situation. You feel miserable when you deny your true feelings.

Children of the Mentally Ill

As a child your parent received more care than you did. You didn’t understand that it wasn’t normal. As you grew, you noticed your friends didn’t have the same childhood you did. They were nurtured and cared for while you were ignored or forgotten. Now you are older and you are filled with confusion, ambivalence, guilt, fear, and loneliness. You might even be the caregiver for your parent. Sometimes you find yourself in tears but don’t know why.

Caregivers

People in your life need extra help, even if they don't know it. You step in to alleviate the harshness of their lives. When this effort takes up more time than you have for yourself, you become burnt out and overwhelmed. You feel consistently anxious about the best way to help. You feel guilty for not doing more or for fully appreciating how hard their life is. You try to dismiss or rationalize your feelings of impatience, anger, depression, and defensiveness. After all, it’s not their fault they need help. Your problems intertwine with theirs, your relationship has become codependent.

Military Spouses

Once the military becomes your family, it’s in your blood. A military lifestyle positively impacts you, but also takes its toll. Selfless support means relocating alone, patiently waiting for news of safety, assuming the role of both parents, giving up your career, accepting the unacceptable, and repeatedly re-establishing a support system of doctors, dentists, hairdressers, schools.... Feelings of anxiety, depression, resentment, overwhelm and burnout seep in. Your spouses life is yours and you need help with boundaries and codependency.

Psychotherapists

You hold space for others, but who holds space for you? You help because you are empathic and compassionate and you want to make a difference. Sometimes you struggle to hold boundaries and your work affects you after you leave your chair. You feel burnt out, resentful, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed and less than. You need support too.

Empty Nesters

Your emotions range from pride and joy to sadness and loss. You’re filled with pride knowing you've raised capable kids. The transition also causes a deep ache when you realize a significant chapter of your life has come to an end. You reflect on missed opportunities and you’re having trouble letting go. Feelings of emptiness, depression, regret, insecurity, and lonliness keep you up at night. You need help letting go.

Healthcare Workers

All day long you’re available for those who truly need you. You care in ways others don’t. You’ve given all you have to your patients, leaving nothing for you. You see things you wish you could unsee. You have big feelings about your work, coworkers, and the state of healthcare, but sometimes you aren’t even sure what those feelings are. You feel numb and you’re just so tired.

Military Dependent

You didn’t sign up for the military but your parent(s) did, so you’ve sacrificed too. Being a “military brat” makes you resilient, well-rounded, worldly, and flexible, but at a price. You’ve left friends, changed schools at inopportune times, lost out on job opportunities, and been unsure about what home means. Feelings of resentment, sadness, regret, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence plague you.

Heather Lohmiller, MA, AMFT, APCC

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #145063

Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #15765

Supervised by Dr. Mickey Wilson LMFT #49203